A Chat About Finding Your Voice in Kink, January 22, 2020

Mouth eating strawberry - finding your voice in kink

Content: Finding Your Voice in Kink, BDSM

#fetchat date: January 22, 2020

#fetchat is a weekly Twitter chat for anyone interested in exploring the world of kinks and fetishes. The responses below were comments made by #fetchat followers. The answers are posted as they appeared in the chat. We’ve removed the identities of those responding out of respect for their privacy.


What benefits are there to adding a vocal component to your kink scenes?

Our guest said:
“The primary benefit is adding another channel for communication. The vocal component is a nifty tool to have at your disposal. You can do entire scenes based around command/obey or pepper speech throughout scenes to change the atmosphere.”

Other folks said:
“sensory play doesn’t just mean physical sensations. auditory is just as important. the soft whimper of pleasure or an audible growl or even the words “good girl” can elevate your kink.Plus, feedback is always necessary, sometimes even during a scene.”

“I think I would rephrase it as what are the benefits of using sound/vocal components strategically in a sec scene. Sometimes silence can be just as powerful as noise/sound. And sometimes the right vocal additional can accentuate a scene quite powerfully.”

“It’s a sensory thing. Adding a vocal component is another layer of sensory input to use within a scene, to make that scene immersive. The absence of vocals and the presence of vocals can be used like an artist creating images from negative & positive space.”

“Using vocals is paramount if you’re into kinks such as humiliation play, age play, role playing or D/s scenes. You can’t direct or be stimulated without it. I’m not sure I could imagine sex in silence, but I’m going out on a limb saying that is likely someone’s kink too.”

Beyond dirty talk, what are some examples of how speech can be used during kink scenes?

Our guest said:
“I’d say the best examples are in the use of tone, volume, and word-choice to create a changing environment. Whispering during impact-play, speaking with a steady cadence to preempt aftercare, etc. Preparing a sub for what’s to happen “I’m about to…” is a fav use.”

Other folks said:
“commands and reassurance. especially reassurance/feedback if you’re trying something new or pushing boundaries.”

“There is a degree of trust in that feedback loop when exploring new boundaries or doing something with a higher risk than usual. And relying on mind-reading isn’t a great idea 😒”

“commands, comfort, compassion, conversations, degridation, accentuation, anticipation, delay, denial, release, and so on and so on. It’s all about how you use your words, too, not just what you say.”

“Also confirmation, admissions, and…confessions : ).”

“for check-in’s and safety. Gaining consent. But also to pleasure or tease, humiliate or deny. There’s also using para-verbals like humming/grunting (sounds that aren’t language but carry meaning). Sound is so powerful.”

“of course consent, but also knowing the mindset of your partner allowing you to more accurately determine their wants and needs.”

How do you determine what’s appropriate/inappropriate to say during a specific scene?

Our guest said:
“Discuss boundaries beforehand. Understand hard boundaries (don’t you ever say that shit to me), soft boundaries (I’m not sure I’d like that, I’d prefer not to try it right now), and risks (I’d like to try it, but you should know I might react negatively).”

Other folks said:
“Don’t wait for the scene. If there’s things if you never want to hear, maybe make that something to talk out before anything else.”

“the reality is that words can hurt more than anything else. Talk about boundaries beforehand, during (e.g., green/yellow/red), & after. I.e., set up how you talk before you “talk” so you all are comfortable having “that talk” when (not just if) things go wrong.”

“I feel like the smartass answer is “by talking about it” but then it’s just so true – because determining what’s appropriate & not is about constant communication before, during, and after a scene.”

“It’s important and essential to establish those guidelines and that rapport with a partner to find that out.”

“Easy.. talk about it beforehand. You dont need to be exact. That would spoil the fun. But it’s always good to ask if there are any things your partner would NOT want to hear. That can be a real mood killer.”

Where can you find inspiration / tools to help prepare for a talkative kink scene?

Our guest said:
“Movies. Audiobooks. Anywhere you can hear people giving inspiring speeches, monologues, etc. An improv or public speaking class could help if you’re struggling. Record yourself talking. Practice what you’ll say. Spontaneity is great but confidence is better. “

Other folks said:
“in reality, maybe read erotica or even just a thesaurus.”

“es, a decent vocabulary really helps so you’re not using the same term over and over again (though favored pet names might be an exception here).”

“well…the obvious answer is twitterverse and the people who run fetchat. or is that too much brown nosing?”

“Can’t remember where I’ve seen them, but I’ve seen kink checklist type things that have spaces and options for names you like being called, words you like hearing, stuff that’s a total turn-off, that you can fill out if you feel weird about how to bring it up”

“I always suggest that if it’s something that makes you nervous, try it out alone while masturbating. Whisper it first if you have to, but become comfortable with it on your terms. You’ll find what gets you off in the process for sure. 😉”

“This is a really good suggestion. Talking in front of a mirror is one thing, but to practice doing it when you are masturbating could offer some extra confidence and incentive. Plus, I find it way easier to say some filthy shit if I am already really turned on .”

“books, the interwebs (trusted websites), by attending munches/community gatherings, talking with other folks who have experience in finding their voice, classes, your own creative brain…I think the most important thing is to be Y-O-U in the scene.”

What should you discuss/be aware of before adding a vocal component to a kink scene?

Our guest said:
“Triggers, favorite words (echo, cellar door, phat booty), least favorite words (moist, Trump), what to expect, and whether or not all participants will be expected to be participate or only one/some.”

Other folks said:
“Random thought- having water on hand because lots of talking can wear out your vocal cords. Unless chain-smoking-frog voice is what you’re aiming for:”

“besides talking to your partner(s) in advance, think about your surroundings. Are your walls thin? Will someone think murder is happening and then the cops bust in to “save you” from your fun? Volume can be just as important to consider as the sound itself.”

” just as an earlier answer, you need to be aware of what words are just complete turn offs. what words/topics should be avoided when in that scene. what words are a particular turn on? what scenarios are a turn on?”

“And keep in mind you will likely learn things that don’t work with you as you go along so be prepared to move past a ‘bump’ or for not everytime to be a success.”

“So, remember that, like a lot of folks have mentioned, voice/speaking is more than just words – it’s tone, volume, and the type of language you use – I think talking about those things ahead of time is as important as talking about the words you use.”

“Yes, I can think of a particular term spoken flatly that would really hurt and demoralize me but said with the right inflection would totally please me. Attitude, intention, and tone is usually more important than the specific terms.”

“trigger words are a must to discuss and be aware of, you never want someone emotionally triggered during a scene.”

I hate my voice / am an introvert / am better at expressing myself in writing, but I want to find my kinky voice. What advice do you have for me?

Our guest said:
“Write it down. Then read it out loud. Then record yourself reading it. Then rewrite it. Wash, rinse, repeat. The only way to get more comfortable at speaking is to become confident in what you’re going to say. Figure that out then practice. Practice in scenes.”

Other folks said:
“if your partner is a good one, they will understand and give you a sounding board. you can also write things down, and record yourself saying them to see how you sound or where you need to change your tone, etc.”

“find your comfort level & find a setting that encourages trial&error and allows you the space to grow into your confident, sexy voice. No one voice is ever loved by everyone or hated by all. And if they hate your voice, find someone that likes the verbal torment? 🙃”

“You could practice – sites like soundgasm or even reddits’s audiogonewild lets people post erotic audio content. There are scripts you can use and the community seems decent enough”

“I find it’s all about headspace and how accepting your partner is. If your in a good headspace and you trust your partner will react favorably to what your saying..its just different.”

“again I say touch yourself and talk. If you’re a writer, say outloud everything you’re doing, you’ll find your voice or realize you don’t enjoy it. It is not for everyone, and it’s ok not to want to.:

“Find a partner who you can excite with your writing, and they will fill you with confidence to give you the voice that you want to have for them when you are being vocal with them. Also, phone sex is great training.”

Follow us on Twitter or Email Us

What are your thoughts?