A Chat About Kink Events, January 15, 2020

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Content: BDSM, Kink & Fetish Community

#fetchat date: January 15, 2020

#fetchat is a weekly Twitter chat for anyone interested in exploring the world of kinks and fetishes. The responses below were comments made by #fetchat followers. The answers are posted as they appeared in the chat. We’ve removed the identities of those responding out of respect for their privacy.


What different types of kink events are there?

“Conferences, classes, play parties, pay-for-play parties, socials, munches, demos…and maybe gangbangs and orgies lol.”

“Lunches/Munches. Dungeons. Play parties. Weddings. Collaring’s. I think that there’s probably a play aspect for any type of gathering that can be had.”

“I’ve only attended a couple of informal gatherings, but there are numerous conventions and most metropolitan areas have groups that organize kink functions as well. We’re everywhere.”

“gonna be taking some notes on this one 😇 I guess I would add in non-in-person/internet kinds of events, which could be voyeur/exhibition, live cams, chats, etc. I think you can format any medium to fit a particular kink, though some might be harder than others.”

“I’ve mostly been to talks and workshops.”

Have you ever been to one? Why or Why not?

The #fetchat guest said:

“My introduction into the community was going to an event and watching others do Scene. It was a fetish party held monthly. It started out as just objective interest – research for a scene in a book. I was curious, got involved, and was completely hooked!”

Other folks said:

“Many. It can be difficult going in to that first event or two but you soon realize they’re very much like ‘regular’ people in most ways, just like you are. And it’s nice to be among people who share that similar difference.”

“no, unfortunately because I’ve never had the time. Or I haven’t heard about one until it’s too late. I have no idea where to go to find out where/when one might be”

“I went to my first munch last weekend. looking forward to attending more. looking to learn more about the D/s lifestyle and living it. looking for additional ideas. I learn best by being able to bounce ideas off of people, learn from others’ experiences.”

“not really. Mostly life being busy, and me preferring intense one-on-one. I would love to go to erotica readings/conventions though.”

“Yes. It can be fun depending on the environment and who you’re with.”

“We went to some munches, was a very cool experience. Looking forward to going to larger events soon.”

“I’ve mostly been to talks and workshops that were largely…well, talks. But I did go to this pretty awesome FemDom class and that was FUN. Still feeling gun shy about going to more…interactive stuff, just cause I tend to be really shy in new situations/groups.”

“we have not been able to go to any kink events due to distance. It would be at least 2 hour drive, if not more. I would love to go to some eventually tho.”

“I went to a splunch once, like a munch for sploshing. It was really nice to meet people irl and feel more normal about my kink.”

How do you find out about kink events in your area?

“I find out about events near me mainly through Fetlife or via announcements or chatting when I’m at an event.”

“I’ve mostly heard about them through word of mouth, or from the local community. Depending on the broader acceptance of the kink, though, they can also be advertised/posted publicly (not a word you want to misspell as “publicly” lol).”

“Fetlife, our local sex shop (independently, women-owned, & incredible @thegardenonhigh) has notices up in front.”

“fetlife has groups for this sort of thing. they have groups that are focused on my immediate area that have lists for munches as well as for dungeons.”

“FetLife is a good start.”

“Seconding (or thirding) Fetlife and your local sex shops. Also I found a bunch just through a google search.”

“Fetlife. Friends.”

“Kik.”

Are there any cardinal rules for attending kink events?

The #fetchat guest said:

“My experience has been consent consent consent! Communication is everything. Discretion for others’ privacy is the third law. There’s probably others but those are the first three that come to mind.”

Other folks said:

“Most of the time it is ‘wear vanilla to the door, you can be more free once inside’ but check first. 2. Don’t assume a sub or toy is available to use by everyone or touch or treat anyone disrespectfully w/o consent.”

“(since people have some great answers, I’m going to reply from the perspective of if I was going somewhere new): If you don’t know the cardinal rules, ask and learn them first (don’t assume there aren’t any – there are always social expectations, said & unsaid).”

“Don’t touch anything or anyone that doesn’t belong to you without permission. Be respectful. Know your alcohol/etc limits. Make sure you understand the dress code and level of privacy expected. Don’t film or take pics without consent.”

“Oh yeah, those are some great points! Oddly enough, reminds me of going to Cons and people sometimes think they can take Cosplayer’s pictures/videos without asking. Like people sometimes assume that if you’re there, you’re fair game….”

“As my grandmother said: “Look with your eyes, not with your hands.” Get to know the ground rules before you say, do, or touch anything. Ask an organizer if you don’t know the lay of the land. CONSENT. CONSENT. CONSENT.”

“from what I’ve seen, a big one is to dress vanilla if it’s anywhere public. don’t embarrass the group and get them kicked out of a venue. otherwise, be respectful.”

“Ask whoever’s facilitating what the rules are – I’m on a few mailing lists for venues and to even sign up they send you rules and consent education materials. But if they don’t – ask.”

How do you stay and play safe at a kink event?

The #fetchat guest said:

“Education is the most important thing. If you are new to BDSM & the community, a strong leader should be presiding with clear and defined rules. For example, some leaders over seeing a party allow alcohol, some will not. Some will allow full sexual intercourse to take place, some will not. It’s important to know the nuance details. If there aren’t any at the event and it’s not clear who is in charge, it could lead to chaos or someone getting hurt.”

Other folks said:

“Be wary of someone who starts to preach to you about a ‘true’ dom/sub should behave. Also, learn something about impact play and/or bondage and if a top isn’t doing things that seem safe don’t play with them. Additionally, if you can, watch them play with someone else before you play with them or get recommendations from people you trust. Note: some people don’t want to play in ‘public’ for various reasons and that’s valid.”

“Bring a friend if possible, make sure someone knows where you’re at. Don’t attend closed-door events if you don’t know the host’s identity unless you’re sure you’re in a safe environment. Have an Uber/cab plan. Don’t give up your phone, but offer to silence it.”

“since my only kink event was a munch (unless you count swingers parties), my experience is limited, but I imagine you shouldn’t go alone. have a backup plan. maybe even have a plan to call a friend every so often. kind of like a blind date.”

“I would say that making sure you have a play partner with you who can partner with to make sure that you folks are safe and receive good aftercare.”

“I’m not talking from personal experience but I’ve heard that some events have staff on hand who you can go to with concerns.”

Are there any cardinal rules for attending kink events?

The #fetchat guest said:

“My experience has been consent consent consent! Communication is everything. Discretion for others’ privacy is the third law. There’s probably others but those are the first three that come to mind.”

Other folks said:

“Most of the time it is ‘wear vanilla to the door, you can be more free once inside’ but check first. 2. Don’t assume a sub or toy is available to use by everyone or touch or treat anyone disrespectfully w/o consent.”

“(since people have some great answers, I’m going to reply from the perspective of if I was going somewhere new): If you don’t know the cardinal rules, ask and learn them first (don’t assume there aren’t any – there are always social expectations, said & unsaid)”.

“Don’t touch anything or anyone that doesn’t belong to you without permission. Be respectful. Know your alcohol/etc limits. Make sure you understand the dress code and level of privacy expected. Don’t film or take pics without consent.”

“Oh yeah, those are some great points! Oddly enough, reminds me of going to Cons and people sometimes think they can take Cosplayer’s pictures/videos without asking. Like people sometimes assume that if you’re there, you’re fair game….”

“As my grandmother said: “Look with your eyes, not with your hands.” Get to know the ground rules before you say, do, or touch anything. Ask an organizer if you don’t know the lay of the land. CONSENT. CONSENT. CONSENT.”

“from what I’ve seen, a big one is to dress vanilla if it’s anywhere public. don’t embarrass the group and get them kicked out of a venue. otherwise, be respectful.”

“Ask whoever’s facilitating what the rules are – I’m on a few mailing lists for venues and to even sign up they send you rules and consent education materials. But if they don’t – ask.”

How do you stay and play safe at a kink event?

The #fetchat guest said:

“Education is the most important thing. If you are new to BDSM & the community, a strong leader should be presiding with clear and defined rules. For example, some leaders over seeing a party allow alcohol, some will not. Some will allow full sexual intercourse to take place, some will not. It’s important to know the nuance details. If there aren’t any at the event and it’s not clear who is in charge, it could lead to chaos or someone getting hurt.”

Other folks said:

Be wary of someone who starts to preach to you about a ‘true’ dom/sub should behave. Also, learn something about impact play and/or bondage and if a top isn’t doing things that seem safe don’t play with them. Additionally, if you can, watch them play with someone else before you play with them or get recommendations from people you trust. Note: some people don’t want to play in ‘public’ for various reasons and that’s valid.”

“Bring a friend if possible, make sure someone knows where you’re at. Don’t attend closed-door events if you don’t know the host’s identity unless you’re sure you’re in a safe environment. Have an Uber/cab plan. Don’t give up your phone, but offer to silence it.”

“since my only kink event was a munch (unless you count swingers parties), my experience is limited, but I imagine you shouldn’t go alone. have a backup plan. maybe even have a plan to call a friend every so often. kind of like a blind date.”

“I would say that making sure you have a play partner with you who can partner with to make sure that you folks are safe and receive good aftercare.”

“I’m not talking from personal experience but I’ve heard that some events have staff on hand who you can go to with concerns.”

What tips would you have for kink event first-timer?

“You don’t have to try everything the first event, appealing as it may be. Pace yourself, your body and psyche may thank you. it is fine just to watch as long as you don’t intrude. And if things get too intense for you to witness it is fine to “go get a cookie”.

“to remember that you never have to do anything you’re not comfortable doing. “no” is still a valid response at these events.”

“if you aren’t sure, ask and learn first. Just because you are there, it doesn’t mean you must participate. Don’t be afraid of leaving if it’s not your thing (but don’t just leave your accountabilly-buddy behind if you’re there as a safety-pair).”

“Be yourself, play safe, give people a chance. There are a lot of kinky introverts out there, but events are great place to get outside your comfort zone.”

“Consent. Don’t leave out aftercare. Play to YOUR level of expertise (recognize that groupthink & group energy can be powerful).”

“Slow down.”

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What are your thoughts?